BORN SINGLE

The One, Little Ones & The 2005 Grand Finale!

My friend D. calls. He's trying to juggle New Year's Eve plans with four separate women: the one he's just met who he's sure is his new found soulmate; the woman who's interested in him but he's not real hot on her but who knows where it might go? and the cousin of a friend who's just landed in town that he dated awhile ago.  And last but not least his four- year old daughter who's his for the weekend because her mother is out of town.

I offer advice for the first three but I hit the wall with the last one, the tiny love of his life.  "How about your mother?" I ask. "She's got midnight service at church," he responds.  "Well...how about calling K. and L. and letting her spend the night with their kids?" I say remembering her favorite playmates.  "Oh, yeah, I called them, they think it's a great idea.  They want to get a babysitter and get back by nine to welcome the New Year with the kids," he answers.  Not quite what D. had in mind for jumpstarting his love life in 2006.

Being a SWNK - single woman no kids - I run out of options pretty quickly.  I mean prime babysitters have been booked for weeks.  Then D. adds the next layer of complexity.  Two of the women have children as well that need chaperones for the evening. Right now I'm thinking group slumber party. Can't wait to call D. in 2006 and find out how his night turns out!

I do have an answer for the other end of the year dilemma. After wondering where you'll be going New Year's Eve night and then successfully determining what you'll be wearing, it seems the most stress-filled moment of the year involves figuring out who'll you'll be kissing at midnight. I say grab the default single guy - KISS THE WAITER!

Holiday Jitters in Singledom!!!

Feeling a bit Scroogey with my blog – but hey I’ve been spreading good will towards MEN through email – read the messages from my Secret Santas. . .

He says:

I got a good laugh about the email you sent on guys who stutter.  Too funny.  Women have no idea how much pressure the guys are under in that situation and how much practice it takes to get with getting rejected and coming back for more.

I say: 

True Dat!

He says:

“There is an interesting paradox in dating that has always fascinated me. The ones who are the smoothest best dater types are the ones with way too many women and the good guys may not be as good at it as the smooth folks. 

Your stutter comment really highlights that phenomenon.  I did some dating research on a casual basis at Stanford and was intrigued to find the “Dog syndrome.”  In fact I started writing a book "Doggie Style" to address it. 

The booked focused on the above paradox in that there were all of these really attractive black women on campus going after the same few dudes.  All of the women would talk about how the guy is a dog etc... And all the women were still after the same dudes.  Hence if you were on the dog plan all the women seemed to be after you if not- little or no play.  Even seems like a primitive nature thing going on there.

I say:

Woof! Woof!  This might relate to that other “scientific” study I heard about on why the dogs love bitches.  Matchmaking made in. . .

Gotta exit this conversation for a much more pressing dating dilemma that lands in my inbox the next day:

She wrote:

Okay dating buddies, I had a fun date last Wednesday with a guy.  Exchanged a couple emails with him saying he had a great time and wants to spend some more time with me over the holidays.  He suggests dinner sometime and I say okay, but now I haven't heard from him since Friday.  I'm not sure if I should send him another email or not.  I'm worried about sounding whiney if I say something like, "haven't heard from you."  Does that seem like a long time to not hear from someone who is supposed to be interested?

I advise:

Ok - it's only Tuesday - not even Tuesday night!  Relax - it's the holiday season we all have many more commitments than usual - this goes along with my philosophy that if he hasn't called it's not about you - meaning it's not that he's not interested, doesn't like you, etc - he's just got a life - yeah! - sometimes we forget that little fact ; ) - Since you both had a great time - I'd give it at least a week - men just have a different clock - when they say I'll call tomorrow - they actually mean a week from tomorrow –

I'm also finding that a lot of single guys are a little "depressed", or "down" this holiday season - I think men don't have as many emotional connects as women, don't make as many plans to enjoy the holidays - so he could be scared of feeling too needy - nothing wrong with sending him a "holiday cheer email" towards the end of the week if you haven't heard from him - he's either interested and will think you're thoughtful

or...he's just doesn't get how wonderful you are - in the meantime make sure you flirt with all the other cute, friendly guys out celebrating the season!

She confesses:

Oiy!! You were right.  Heard from him today and it sounds like he's swamped at work.  Pretty funny how my common sense disappears when I like someone.  I'm really hoping this one works since I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time.  But of course, all other new comers this season are welcome!

I celebrate:

Congratulations!  You made it to the other side of the dating minefield!

"The Dating Stutter" Epidemic

With the holiday season comes winter colds and other chills, look out for another virus prevalent among men around the bay, “The Dating Stutter.”

Now that my new book, “The Single Girl’s Manifesta”, is out, I’m getting a lot of questions about the dating scene – or lack thereof  – here in the Bay Area.  Although sometimes I feel as clueless as the rest of you – I mean, who can claim to have male/female bonding rituals all figured out? 

The more things change, the more they are the same.  At a party recently I gathered in the kitchen with a couple of twenty-something black women and compared notes as several brothers looked.

“Out here, it’s like guys don’t even know what’s up!” one of them offered.

“Yeah, they see a fine sister and they’re like  ‘Hi, uh … like, uh … would you … can we … there’s this thing happening … well uh … check you later’ and you’re like, what was that?  I mean are you going to ask me out or what?” says the other one, adding fuel to fire.

“It’s ‘the dating stutter,’ ” I explained as the resident dating expert. I think it’s a particular West Coast phenomenon. And not only do they “stutter” when they talk, they stutter when they act as well. “It seems guys out here are just so relaxed.  Want to keep everything nice and easy, they can’t string the words together to ask for the definitive night out!”

“Oh yeah, you got that right – it’s like after they walk away, you’re thinking, what was that?” says the first one, shaking her head from side to side. 

“Now men on the East Coast, they get in there real quick-like,” the second one adds, making a sliding motion with her body. “There’s the ‘Hello gorgeous, what’s your name? How about you and me …’ You say one word to them in response and they think ‘Yes! I’m in!’ and they slide ride in with the date move. If you say ‘not Friday.’  They’ll be like, ‘well girl, get your calendar out and let’s see what works.’ They have a firm intention of getting a date. Guys here lack intention.”

So how ’bout it? Is “the dating stutter” another East Coast/West Coast thing?  Do guys here not know how to close the deal? Let me know what’s up on the dating scene so I can stop the misinformation!